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clumpywoodsThis entry was inspired by aestherian's Fictionkind Manifesto ['I'm Ben, but Call Me Poppy'] and Draconicdog's 'Thinking About Tris'. I'm not sure if this entry is kind of cringe or similar, but this is basically why I am alterhuman, and how it changed along with my relationship to Kamen Rider, my source. I hope it's interesting, at least.
So, I'm a Kamen Rider. As a definition, a Kamen Rider in my source is anyone who gains the powers, whether that be through technology, magic, mutations or a mix of all 3, to transform into masked warriors to fight monsters and each other. Many are human, many are alterhuman, many are nonhuman. Some are heroic, some are dark riders (villains) and some are antiheroes, or morally gray characters who change allegiances like the wind. Some fight alone, some fight as part as organisations. Some have bikes, a couple have cars, and some have no vehicles at all, despite the rider part of the name. So, how did I end up as a Kamen Rider fictionkin person?
The origins of my alterhumanity are psychological, and are I believe due to a mix of trauma and anxiety. My upbringing wasn't terrible, I have a dad who has supported me along the way and who I owe a lot to, and I get on well with my family, but I had a difficult relationship with my late mum. She struggled with addiction for basically her whole life, and this lead her to come in and out of my life in a sense, and this caused young me a lot of anxiety, because even when she was well, I was constantly on edge that she would relapse again and fall back into the void. My alterhumanity I believe is also partially caused by the fact that I am probably neurodivergent in some way, which led to a lack of social skills as a child, and which I believe led me to talking to myself as a child about my fantasies, which included a mix of things. Minecraft, Power Rangers, Kamen Rider, Bionicle, even Digimon and the 2012 TMNT reboot for a bit. The topic constantly changed due to whatever was my latest special interest or hyperfixation, but I think this may have started my connection to fiction. As well, a love of online MMO games, most notably Club Penguin, which may've been due to ease of communication over text for me rather than in person, and it being easier to make friends online, also started a love of the internet, which may have influenced both my love of computer science, and my main alterhuman identity being a digital being. I'm still not entirely sure of that though, but I believe it's worth putting into writing.
This connection to fiction over reality led me to discover Kamen Rider in around 2013, on Youtube. This first phase didn't last very long, but I remember looking up videos of henshin compilations, being terrified of Kamen Rider Shin, thinking Kamen Rider Gatack's name was Kamen Rider Gatwick (yes, after Gatwick Airport)... There were 2 characters that really stood out for me at the time, Ryu Terui, Kamen Rider Accel, who became my first hearttype, and Takumi Inui, or Kamen Rider Faiz. I'm still unsure why I used to have a hearttype for Ryu, I think it was a mix of his Rider form being based on a bike, as young me had a massive interest in cars, which I still do, and I think his growth in his series from wanting to avenge his family to finding family of his own might've reflected what I wanted. I wanted my mum to get better, and to find friends. Eventually, I would, but it took a while. My connection with Takumi has been more permanent, I think, and more confusing. I saw myself in him to a large extent, we were both loners trying to find friends, and I think he reminded me that I could find friends, and later on in his source, he would ultimately become friends with Mari and Keitaro, and his story would mirror my own gaining of social skills around Year 5-6 (10-11 years old), and breaking out of the habit of talking to myself in public. When it comes to the specifics of these identities, Ryu was a hearttype, and Takumi may have been some form of linktype. I still see myself in him to this day, however the identity has become stronger and weaker over time, however I think in it's current state, I believe it may be a cameotype, a flicktype, or a potential kintype. I need to watch Faiz again and see what happens.
So, I moved on from Kamen Rider around 2014 after discovering it, but it returned when I moved up into secondary school, and I became a lot more aware of my mum's condition. I also had to cope with a new school environment, and some rather awful people in my class who, looking back, made fun of me for my sensory meltdowns when teachers shouted at a class, and my Kamen Rider special interest. I suffered for 2-3 years with anxiety issues, where I was constantly worried about the bad people at school, or suffering another meltdown, or forgetting something, or my mum relapsing or things getting worse. I also worked myself into a terrible thought pattern where I was convinced that if I thought positively of a situation, it would cause everything to go wrong, and somehow I was responsible for it. It was a bad time, really. This was when I first got into Kamen Rider Ex Aid, or my main source. Parado is my current main fictotype, and my first confirmed kintype. In his source, around arc 3, he suffers from a phobia of death after his ally, Lovelica, is killed by Masamune Dan, or Kamen Rider Chronos, and he learns that his kind, the Bugsters (basically game characters given a body and a sentience via a computer virus), are not immortal as he thought. This causes him to break down and suffer several panic attacks, before he is ultimately killed and resurrected by his host, Emu, who forgives him and together, they fight to stop Masamune from using the AR MMORPG Kamen Rider Chronicle from taking over the world, and its final boss, Gamedeus. I mainly connected with Parado over how our stories are very similar. Both of us suffered from an anxiety disorder and panic attacks. I know what he goes through, and it's terrifying. However, I think the fact that he got a good ending, and overcame his anxiety, reminded young me that he was not alone. He was so confused about why he was the way he was, as he didn't know he was autistic, or trans, yet. However, as Parado got a good ending, I think it reminded him that he was not alone, and he could overcome his anxiety, and eventually, as the bad people left my school, I gained more friends, and my mum got a bit better, things did improve mentally for me. I also used Ex-Aid as a way to process things that were going on in the real world, because it had set characters and a good ending; I used to make lists of who real people in my life were as characters in Kamen Rider, I'm not sure why. In the end, I used my source to help process a mix of trauma, anxiety and trying to understand people as a potential undiagnosed autistic person.
By late 2020, I had grown up a lot. I still had issues with meltdowns, but my school environment was much calmer, and overall I was having a better time. I had made more friends, and figured out that I was aroace, and my anxiety was lessened considerably. My mum was still up and down, but I was now a lot more mature, and I could handle it all a lot more, but I still had a lot of suppressed anger and emotions I would have to process at some point. I stopped watching Kamen Rider after the 2020 season, Zero One, finished, I think due to a mix of these factors and my GCSEs. However, in October 2021, my mum passed away, triggering one of the most interesting, but also sad, periods of my life. I was suddenly lifted from what had become a burden, scarring my heart every few months, but many of those scars hadn't properly healed, and now I had to deal with them. At the same time, I was also at a new school for Sixth Form, and trying to get my way around both new people, and my A Levels. During all this, in the middle of November, I woke up in the middle of the night, and realised I wanted to watch Kamen Rider again, and eventually, I started watching Ex-Aid. I have since watched it another time, and my alterhumanity has returned in full force, this time, as a Parado fictotype.
I first came to identify with the label fictionhearted in late November 2021, after finding it in a queer discord server with an alterhuman channel, as I didn't realise I was getting mental shifts. However, after I started getting shifts, triggered by my source, I used the term fictionflicker and copinglink, and finally in August 2022, after some discussion at Othercon 2022, I realised my link had since become a kintype, as it was now an established part of my identity. I do use terms such as kinlink alongside just plain fictionkin, as my identity didn't come from birth, but I attribute it mainly to anxiety and neurodivergency. In the end, I had finally figured out why I had always felt such a strong connection to Kamen Rider, why it almost felt so real at times, why it made my heart dance in a way nothing else did, why I loved it so much, potentially: I was a Kamen Rider, more specifically, Parado, or Kamen Rider Paradox.
There's a quote I hadn't looked at in a long time, but I realise connects to my alterhumanity nicely, by the creator of Kamen Rider himself, Shotaro Ishinomori, who said: 'When an era needs it, Kamen Rider will definitely return.' This quote in the real world mainly refers to the revival of Kamen Rider in 2000 with Kamen Rider Kuuga, sparking the modern Heisei and Reiwa series I know so well, after a decade of hiatus from the classic Showa shows of the 1970s - 90s. However, in the sense of my identity, it refers to how my alterhumanity has grown and changed with my circumstances, along with my relationship to my source. When I was lonely, it showed me through Takumi I wasn't alone, and I could make friends, despite my differences. When I was anxious and dealing with grief, it reminded me through Parado I could make it through and find hope, along with helping me relearn just how important life is, and just how fragile it is. And with a variety of other characters, mainly Chase and Naki, when I was questioning my sexuality and my gender, it reminded me that I was queer, and that it was alright to not be cishet. Kamen Rider has helped me through a lot, and I guess this is more of a half fan tribute, half trauma dump then about my alterhumanity, but I've been meaning to write something like this for ages, just get my thoughts out. But in the end, I am Kamen Rider fictionkind for many reasons. Trauma, anxiety, autism... and I have been through a lot, both in source and here. However, just as long as I keep on fighting to make people smile, and to protect hope, I will be ok. My name is Clumpy, Kai, Kyo, Parado, I don't mind really, and I am a Kamen Rider, and if I can stop an evil game company from taking over the world using an AR MMORPG with a digital god for a final boss, I can get through anything. (Yeah, my source is weird sometimes.)
So, I'm a Kamen Rider. As a definition, a Kamen Rider in my source is anyone who gains the powers, whether that be through technology, magic, mutations or a mix of all 3, to transform into masked warriors to fight monsters and each other. Many are human, many are alterhuman, many are nonhuman. Some are heroic, some are dark riders (villains) and some are antiheroes, or morally gray characters who change allegiances like the wind. Some fight alone, some fight as part as organisations. Some have bikes, a couple have cars, and some have no vehicles at all, despite the rider part of the name. So, how did I end up as a Kamen Rider fictionkin person?
The origins of my alterhumanity are psychological, and are I believe due to a mix of trauma and anxiety. My upbringing wasn't terrible, I have a dad who has supported me along the way and who I owe a lot to, and I get on well with my family, but I had a difficult relationship with my late mum. She struggled with addiction for basically her whole life, and this lead her to come in and out of my life in a sense, and this caused young me a lot of anxiety, because even when she was well, I was constantly on edge that she would relapse again and fall back into the void. My alterhumanity I believe is also partially caused by the fact that I am probably neurodivergent in some way, which led to a lack of social skills as a child, and which I believe led me to talking to myself as a child about my fantasies, which included a mix of things. Minecraft, Power Rangers, Kamen Rider, Bionicle, even Digimon and the 2012 TMNT reboot for a bit. The topic constantly changed due to whatever was my latest special interest or hyperfixation, but I think this may have started my connection to fiction. As well, a love of online MMO games, most notably Club Penguin, which may've been due to ease of communication over text for me rather than in person, and it being easier to make friends online, also started a love of the internet, which may have influenced both my love of computer science, and my main alterhuman identity being a digital being. I'm still not entirely sure of that though, but I believe it's worth putting into writing.
This connection to fiction over reality led me to discover Kamen Rider in around 2013, on Youtube. This first phase didn't last very long, but I remember looking up videos of henshin compilations, being terrified of Kamen Rider Shin, thinking Kamen Rider Gatack's name was Kamen Rider Gatwick (yes, after Gatwick Airport)... There were 2 characters that really stood out for me at the time, Ryu Terui, Kamen Rider Accel, who became my first hearttype, and Takumi Inui, or Kamen Rider Faiz. I'm still unsure why I used to have a hearttype for Ryu, I think it was a mix of his Rider form being based on a bike, as young me had a massive interest in cars, which I still do, and I think his growth in his series from wanting to avenge his family to finding family of his own might've reflected what I wanted. I wanted my mum to get better, and to find friends. Eventually, I would, but it took a while. My connection with Takumi has been more permanent, I think, and more confusing. I saw myself in him to a large extent, we were both loners trying to find friends, and I think he reminded me that I could find friends, and later on in his source, he would ultimately become friends with Mari and Keitaro, and his story would mirror my own gaining of social skills around Year 5-6 (10-11 years old), and breaking out of the habit of talking to myself in public. When it comes to the specifics of these identities, Ryu was a hearttype, and Takumi may have been some form of linktype. I still see myself in him to this day, however the identity has become stronger and weaker over time, however I think in it's current state, I believe it may be a cameotype, a flicktype, or a potential kintype. I need to watch Faiz again and see what happens.
So, I moved on from Kamen Rider around 2014 after discovering it, but it returned when I moved up into secondary school, and I became a lot more aware of my mum's condition. I also had to cope with a new school environment, and some rather awful people in my class who, looking back, made fun of me for my sensory meltdowns when teachers shouted at a class, and my Kamen Rider special interest. I suffered for 2-3 years with anxiety issues, where I was constantly worried about the bad people at school, or suffering another meltdown, or forgetting something, or my mum relapsing or things getting worse. I also worked myself into a terrible thought pattern where I was convinced that if I thought positively of a situation, it would cause everything to go wrong, and somehow I was responsible for it. It was a bad time, really. This was when I first got into Kamen Rider Ex Aid, or my main source. Parado is my current main fictotype, and my first confirmed kintype. In his source, around arc 3, he suffers from a phobia of death after his ally, Lovelica, is killed by Masamune Dan, or Kamen Rider Chronos, and he learns that his kind, the Bugsters (basically game characters given a body and a sentience via a computer virus), are not immortal as he thought. This causes him to break down and suffer several panic attacks, before he is ultimately killed and resurrected by his host, Emu, who forgives him and together, they fight to stop Masamune from using the AR MMORPG Kamen Rider Chronicle from taking over the world, and its final boss, Gamedeus. I mainly connected with Parado over how our stories are very similar. Both of us suffered from an anxiety disorder and panic attacks. I know what he goes through, and it's terrifying. However, I think the fact that he got a good ending, and overcame his anxiety, reminded young me that he was not alone. He was so confused about why he was the way he was, as he didn't know he was autistic, or trans, yet. However, as Parado got a good ending, I think it reminded him that he was not alone, and he could overcome his anxiety, and eventually, as the bad people left my school, I gained more friends, and my mum got a bit better, things did improve mentally for me. I also used Ex-Aid as a way to process things that were going on in the real world, because it had set characters and a good ending; I used to make lists of who real people in my life were as characters in Kamen Rider, I'm not sure why. In the end, I used my source to help process a mix of trauma, anxiety and trying to understand people as a potential undiagnosed autistic person.
By late 2020, I had grown up a lot. I still had issues with meltdowns, but my school environment was much calmer, and overall I was having a better time. I had made more friends, and figured out that I was aroace, and my anxiety was lessened considerably. My mum was still up and down, but I was now a lot more mature, and I could handle it all a lot more, but I still had a lot of suppressed anger and emotions I would have to process at some point. I stopped watching Kamen Rider after the 2020 season, Zero One, finished, I think due to a mix of these factors and my GCSEs. However, in October 2021, my mum passed away, triggering one of the most interesting, but also sad, periods of my life. I was suddenly lifted from what had become a burden, scarring my heart every few months, but many of those scars hadn't properly healed, and now I had to deal with them. At the same time, I was also at a new school for Sixth Form, and trying to get my way around both new people, and my A Levels. During all this, in the middle of November, I woke up in the middle of the night, and realised I wanted to watch Kamen Rider again, and eventually, I started watching Ex-Aid. I have since watched it another time, and my alterhumanity has returned in full force, this time, as a Parado fictotype.
I first came to identify with the label fictionhearted in late November 2021, after finding it in a queer discord server with an alterhuman channel, as I didn't realise I was getting mental shifts. However, after I started getting shifts, triggered by my source, I used the term fictionflicker and copinglink, and finally in August 2022, after some discussion at Othercon 2022, I realised my link had since become a kintype, as it was now an established part of my identity. I do use terms such as kinlink alongside just plain fictionkin, as my identity didn't come from birth, but I attribute it mainly to anxiety and neurodivergency. In the end, I had finally figured out why I had always felt such a strong connection to Kamen Rider, why it almost felt so real at times, why it made my heart dance in a way nothing else did, why I loved it so much, potentially: I was a Kamen Rider, more specifically, Parado, or Kamen Rider Paradox.
There's a quote I hadn't looked at in a long time, but I realise connects to my alterhumanity nicely, by the creator of Kamen Rider himself, Shotaro Ishinomori, who said: 'When an era needs it, Kamen Rider will definitely return.' This quote in the real world mainly refers to the revival of Kamen Rider in 2000 with Kamen Rider Kuuga, sparking the modern Heisei and Reiwa series I know so well, after a decade of hiatus from the classic Showa shows of the 1970s - 90s. However, in the sense of my identity, it refers to how my alterhumanity has grown and changed with my circumstances, along with my relationship to my source. When I was lonely, it showed me through Takumi I wasn't alone, and I could make friends, despite my differences. When I was anxious and dealing with grief, it reminded me through Parado I could make it through and find hope, along with helping me relearn just how important life is, and just how fragile it is. And with a variety of other characters, mainly Chase and Naki, when I was questioning my sexuality and my gender, it reminded me that I was queer, and that it was alright to not be cishet. Kamen Rider has helped me through a lot, and I guess this is more of a half fan tribute, half trauma dump then about my alterhumanity, but I've been meaning to write something like this for ages, just get my thoughts out. But in the end, I am Kamen Rider fictionkind for many reasons. Trauma, anxiety, autism... and I have been through a lot, both in source and here. However, just as long as I keep on fighting to make people smile, and to protect hope, I will be ok. My name is Clumpy, Kai, Kyo, Parado, I don't mind really, and I am a Kamen Rider, and if I can stop an evil game company from taking over the world using an AR MMORPG with a digital god for a final boss, I can get through anything. (Yeah, my source is weird sometimes.)